Picture

Pictures

Yom chamishi leShabbos -

 

So, several times I came by this spot and tried to make pics of the birds and the little ones.... it never really worked (I wonder why) these 2 are the best I got in the end.

And now, time for gut Shabbos and yontef :-)

encounters at the Kosel

Yom shlishi leShabbos

I am amazed at, like everytime I go to the Kosel something special (to me) happens .... one time I went there, and at some point during my praying, a small child in a stroller started to cry and didnt stop.... "Aba, Abaaa, Aaaabaaa...." on and on and on it went...I am listening and I am hearing and I am thinking, your`re right, your right, here we are, here is the place to cry to your Aba, don`t stop,dont let go, continue, Aba, Aba, here I am, where are you? Aba, Abaaaa.....

Neshamale

a dream

Yom rishon leShabbos

I`m 15. Maybe. Around 15 years old. I am dreaming.... there`s a room.... full packed with people.... many many people.... women, children..... with their luggage with them.... here in my dream I know, that I know and I know they don`t know....is it that? NO.... I start to run from one to the other,talking, begging, please, please, pleaaaase PLEASE listen to me yomustgetoutofhere, please, get out of here, get out, out, please...... I beg you....do you  know where you going??? Please.... listen to me... they don`t listen...don`t listen, don`t believe me.... I start to cry and cry and cry, because I know, I know,I know where they going, and I cant do anything.....why dont you listen....not listen.... get out....I am waking up. I am crying.

thoughts

Shavua tov-hodesh tov

Yom rishon leShabbos -

so - what exactly changes once you`re (I) converted? - I am still exploring and learning about the "new me", what I want and need now.....

There are things, I didnt like or care too much before conversion, that are more important to me now.

There are things, you can not know before conversion,  I realized only once I was converted (and still continuing). Things I didnt know or understand, now arrived "on the other side " there is a kind of knowledge, things fall into place...

Confusing, even distressing, at one point it was frightening even - who am I now.... letting things, people.... go and learn, whats "now". Also curious, kind of fun to explore it. I still wonder, ifIam really a new person now? I considered myself Jewish prior conversion, especially the time short beforehand, but this also is different now, outside AND inside. 

Overall I feel, I am much happier, calmer, know what I want or not,I feel a much deeper and closer constant connection to Hashem. I could be happy, even on days that have been very difficult or lonely (i.e. Purim etc....).  There are also different needs now....more need for guidance, more yearning for building a family finally - in that regard feeling even more "alone" now.... dont want to wait anymore....

Sometimes, things are new, and you realize it only later.

Some things "just changed", and I am doing new things now, and meanwhile enjoy to explore it and kind of let myself surprise...

Sometimes it seems, things didnt change, and it returns or continues, but then encounters happen, and you realize it did change.... you realize you have to try to deal with it differently now.
I didnt really like to feel confused, because some things have been suddenly "cut off" or disappeared, it was sad and confusing first... now I am more enjoying and curious to explore things and "the new me".

I am....

Yom chamishi leShabbos... --

I am....

happy - to have a free day from work, to be able to pray a lot, to accomplish things, to bake Challah, to be able to prapare for Hashems holy Shabbos

yearning - I want to move out already.... how long will it take me again, this time? I dont want to wait anymore... seminary is a must and everything for me... I want to "have" a family....

maybe confused - whats the right thing to do and which direction to go - its feels hard to make the "right" decision....

waiting - for Shabbos! :-)